Dads offer the best life advice. But bad news can speed up all they have to share. After receiving his second cancer diagnosis, Reddit user u/Sangwienerous, a father of three daughters in Canada, decided to encourage other dads to express their wisdom with their kids in an inspiring post to r/daddit.
"I might beat it, I might not," he wrote. "I just wanted to shout out some things I did for my kids when I thought I wasn't going to make it. That we might need in our back pocket as dads when the time comes."
He used his unfortunate circumstance to help other dads prepare for any tough situations like this. "I hope this helps a bit of people," he added. "I wrote it out as a bit of a way to cope. These girls are my babies. I have sacrificed everything for them to have what I never could growing up." In the post, he offered 9 pieces of life advice–some practical, some emotional, and some sentimental–that he prepared for his daughters and to inspire other dads to set their kids up for a comfortable life in their absence.
Here are his 9 pieces of life advice:
1. Get life insurance
This fiscal tip was aimed at parents.
"I know this is dumb and obvious but get it before you get cancer," he wrote. "You can still get coverage, but it will cost more and won't be as much. I thankfully had life insurance through work, but once I came out of it and was in remission, I was able to get more coverage for death at a premium. Do it before you get cancer."
2. Educate them about executors
This logistical tip is chock-full of advice (and mistakes) he made in regards to executors and financial assets.
"If you have the money pay a f*cking lawyer to do it. Not family member. I had my step-brother set up as executor and the guy already had plans to 'borrow' my kids inheritance and make a killing for them and set them up for life in crypto and stocks," he wrote. "I worked my bag off. Paid for a estate lawyer up front who agreed to handle everything for a one time payment of 5k. Not a penny more or less. That is managing post death benefits from my time in the army as a veteran. Managing my kids education funds, keeping tabs on wealth managers making sure bills remain paid (5000 was a steal for this in my mind). He handles all my assets, pensions and makes sure no one touches my kids future."
3. Tell your kids 'the news' sensitively
He made sure to tell his kids about his diagnosis in a sensitive and personalized way to each daughter.
"Did I tell my kids? Not until I knew the prognosis. This varies age to age and the emotional maturity of your children. My 13 year old, who was 9 at the time, I know is very sensitive. I set her up with a councilor that she had a good rapport with (it took a couple councilors to find the right fit), and it helped her navigate my diagnosis," he wrote. "It also has the very important benefit of being a safe trusted adult that she can develop skills with before hand so she isn't behind the 8 ball trying to grasp at things she doesn't comprehend. And the councilor knew the situation and was able to prep. This has been so good in so many ways."
4. Teach them to meal prep
Instilling cooking skills in his daughters was an important step he took.
"This was a hard one and a big one. I was working fulltime as a single dad and doing chemo then radiation with 3 daughters trying to work 12 hour days–feed them while tired and sick," he wrote. "I was living off Boost/Ensure because it was the only thing I could swallow and cooking food made me nauseated as fuck. I sat down and taught my kids how to fend for themselves to cook, safety in the kitchen. Obviously I cooked for them but I couldn't always, so we meal prepped on one day of the week and we would reheat that food in the air fryer. This allowed them to choose their meals and develop some basic kitchen skills. Post cancer they still cook for themselves and I help and over see. If they don't like what's for supper they have the skills now to adjust. This was also able to awaken something in my youngest who is 11 now and she loves to bake. We bake all the time. So bonus."
5. Pre-record post-death videos
This thoughtful step took a toll on him, but was one that he knows was worth it.
"Basically it was time capsule of me trying my hardest to stay kind and safe for them, exploring my hopes for them and reminding them of things they made or did that brought me joy. This was difficult and took a couple of takes as I would break down crying about worry over them," he wrote. "Eventually I was able to create a series of videos. I also was careful not to put too much expectation on them. I made a separate video for graduation, weddings, children, drivers license. The lawyer agreed to distribute these. It was interesting to re-watch these. I am going to keep them and re-record some with new additions."
6. Set boundaries
To protect his daughters, he set clear boundaries with people around them.
"I was quick to sort of push out people who made my diagnosis about them (who weren't my kids)–think of needy aunts or friends girlfriends who want to help but when they come over I kind of have to support them," he wrote. "Telling people I don't need another casserole or asking me everyday how I was. They mean well but when you're in pain, tired, angry, sad–you don't have the best tact. I was quick to do this early. That way my kids didn't have to manage other needy peoples needs."
7. Settle baggage
After explaining issues with ex-partner and mother of his daughters, he made it clear that he settled his baggage with her–adding that his daughters would always be taken care of.
"I was able to lock in stone who would take them with the lawyer and how much per month to get these girls to adulthood," he wrote.
8. Help them understand palliation and end-of-life care
Teaching his daughters about this can help them prepare for his (possible) death.
"I am nurse. My job is to help people die occasionally. Oddly enough its a very peaceful rewarding part of nursing. This is optional, but I explained to my kids how palliation and end of life works and what it looks like. I also told them that they didn't need to be with me at the end either. I would love and understand. I didn't want to put expectations on them and wanted to respect their needs loves and wants."
9. Practice self-forgiveness
Finally, and most importantly, he highlighted this for both himself and his daughters.
"I forgave myself for all my sh*tty choices and decisions and lack of ability to provide what I could and the life I wanted to give them and came short doing so," he wrote. "I levelled with myself that I am a good dad, a good person–and I was worth being kind to. I wanted my daughters to be kind to themselves. So unless I provided examples, where are they going to learn it?"
The post got an overwhelming response from grateful readers and dads. "I am baffled by your strength. Even at such a time you think about others and how you could prepare Internet strangers for the worst. I hope you can claim another victory over cancer and continue being a kickass dad for your daughters!" one wrote. Another added, "Godspeed and may you kick cancer’s ass yet again."
